NEW YORK, NY—Indicating a dramatic shift in career priorities, a report completed this week found that 9 in 10 Creatives aspire to be a miserable, alcoholic fictional character. The initial findings, which researchers gathered from thousands of telephone and in-person interviews, confirmed that the industry’s most revered Creative Director is an imaginary drunkard incapable of sustained happiness.
“When asked which CD they most wished to emulate, only 10% of respondents named flesh and blood mentors,” said lead researcher Melissa Watkins, noting that the remaining 90% referenced a bourbon-guzzling depressive whose existence starts and ends with a Time Warner Cable subscription. “While difficult to believe, our data shows that creatives young and old see this fictitious, wretched lush as the embodiment of their professional ambitions.”
Watkins went on to say that interview subjects commonly referred to this booze-fueled twice divorcee as “the guy who has it all”, and that “brilliant” was the word most often used to describe his creative achievements, all of which were conjured by a team of AMC screenwriters.