PORTLAND, OR—Seemingly comfortable using a child’s transportation device in a professional setting, sources confirmed today that a grown-ass man is riding a razor scooter around the office. The alleged adult, who by all accounts seems to possess the physical stature, facial features, and mental capacities of a fully developed male, apparently has no problem being seen on a plaything designed for ages 8-12. According to witnesses, the middle-aged employee relies on this toy to get around his modestly sized agency, never traversing more than 15 feet at a time, invariably prompting the need to slow down just as he begins to accelerate. Reportedly, this mild increase in speed only saves him a few minutes per day, but is still fast enough to startle co-workers carrying hot coffee, expensive laptops, and important documents. At press time, this biologically mature human, who might as well be squealing “wheeee” as he propels his juvenile vehicle, is leading a meeting of his peers.