INGLEWOOD, CA—After months of exhaustive research, a multicultural agency reported Wednesday that they were utterly baffled by the White demographic. “Despite countless hours conducting surveys and performing in-field analysis, all we’ve learned is that Whites are out of their goddamn minds,” said Lead Strategist Jerome Miller, adding that he was completely mystified by White behaviors.
“Vegans. Furries. Scientologists. We’ve worked with some bizarre subcultures, but nothing compares to Whites,” continued Miller. “From obsessing over pumpkin spice to dressing up their pets, each White custom is stranger than the last.”
“They’re weird”, he added. “Very, very weird.”
Understanding White people, or simply “People” as they refer to themselves, was seen by Miller as the gateway to landing clients within the lucrative mayonnaise and sweater vest categories. But after discovering the segment’s array of perplexing habits, like defending even the worst Wes Anderson films, his team has re-evaluated their odds of success. “We thought our learnings would help us win New Balance. At this point, we’d be lucky if Crocs gave us an RFP.”
Miller went on to explain that as confounding as White behaviors are, even more confounding is how often those behaviors seem to contradict one another. “Just when we think we’ve got them figured out, they completely flip the script”, said a visibly frustrated Miller. “How do you market to someone who paints their face for the World Cup, but can’t name their city’s soccer team, or buys a hypoallergenic pillow to go camping in the woods? These are the codes we have to crack.”
At press time, Miller was wearing a North Face fleece while doing the funky chicken to a Dave Matthews album, in a last ditch attempt to decipher White motivations.