Emboldened Focus Group Opens Ad Agency

PLANO, TX—Still intoxicated by the notion that someone would pay for their opinion, members of a former focus group announced plans Wednesday to launch their own ad agency. Sources confirm that the group first met while reviewing a Chrysler animatic, where despite repeated caveats by the moderator that it was not a finished product, they contributed pointed comments like “the car is too red”, “I don’t like her shirt”, and “needs real people”.

“We’ve got a really great team here”, said Applebee’s Assistant Manager and prospective Chief Creative Officer Brian Hagen. “First there’s Jim, he had that great insight about the commercial needing monkeys, I mean everyone likes monkeys. And then there’s Sally, I love how she just came right out and said she “didn’t really get” the commercial. Every agency needs a straight shooter like that.”

Hagen confirmed that despite the group’s complete lack of formal education in marketing or fine arts, and professional backgrounds limited to refrigerator repair and tollbooth operation, the team would be diving headfirst into the endeavor. “We’ve been watching commercials our whole lives, so really, we have decades of experience. If anything, we’re overqualified.”

But the ambitious new CCO believes there’s still room to grow. “We’re always on the lookout for new talent. Everyday we receive highlight tapes from young, ambitious members of the world’s most prestigious focus groups,” said Hagen, adding that they may even widen their recruiting net to less established institutions like YouTube comment sections.

Hagen concluded the announcement by projecting that the agency would have “more than enough capital”, thanks to the pooled sum of their respective $115 focus group paychecks. “If we ever need more, I’m sure there will be plenty of investors who want to be part of something special.”

Study Finds “Unsubscribe” Most Effective CTA

LOS ANGELES, CA—Providing valuable insight into consumer behavior, a study released Thursday revealed that “unsubscribe” is unequivocally the most effective CTA. “This copy is so powerful it resonates with virtually all demographics,” Statistical Analyst Michael Jenson told reporters, adding that the word’s appeal seems to transcend brand loyalty, even when tested across multiple industries. “It appears that ‘unsubscribe’ significantly outperforms more traditional CTAs like ‘register now’ and ‘learn more’, despite being buried in 9 point font within the legal copy. If brands want to increase their CTR, we highly recommend they give their unsubscribe links more prominence.” Jenson went on to note that readers who click “unsubscribe” on a brand’s first email communication show a 100% engagement rate with that campaign.

Janitor Solves Impossible Brief Written On Agency Whiteboard

TORRANCE, CA—Spellbound by the raw talent displayed just hours earlier, Saatchi & Saatchi CCO Greg Schaffer reported Tuesday that a janitor had solved a nearly impossible brief written on the agency’s whiteboard. “It took my colleagues and I two years to crack this” uttered Schaffer, still gazing in awe at the brilliance scrawled before him. “When I threw down this gauntlet, I dreamt that I’d discover a prodigy from MAS or VCU, but not this. Never this.” Schaffer initially posted the brief, which called for 17 benefits to be conveyed in a single message, as a theoretical exercise for his Creative staff. Instead he arrived the next morning to find a humble custodian, having answered the challenge with a fully fleshed campaign—complete with mood boards, comps, and an integrated media strategy. “He just...ran off. Now I may never meet this blue-collar virtuoso,” whispered Schaffer, transfixed as he longingly ran his fingertips across the exquisitely detailed rollout plan. “His concept is so simple, so elegant.” Schaffer went on to speculate that the janitor was a gifted, yet troubled youth, whose true potential could only be unlocked with the help of an affable therapist.

Mediocre Commercial Redeemed By Nike Logo

NEW YORK, NY—Now giddy with excitement over a formerly dismissed entry, the CLIOs judging panel announced Monday that an otherwise mediocre commercial was redeemed by the presence of a Nike Logo. “For those first 29 seconds, we weren’t sure where it was going. There was a guy playing football. Some girl doing push-ups. An alarm clock. Luckily that swoosh appeared to let us know it was an amazing spot,” said Translation CCO Jason Katz, adding that the panel shook off their glazed expressions and squealed with delight once the familiar symbol emerged. Sources confirmed that up until the last few frames, the footage was considered nothing more than a pedestrian, uninspired montage. Yet upon revelation that the piece came from the “Just Do It” brand, it was immediately reinterpreted as a brilliant work of art that all in the industry should aspire to emulate. Katz continued, “Unless another spot is punctuated with such an iconic emblem, I really don’t see the point in reviewing other entries.”

Multicultural Agency Baffled By White Demographic

INGLEWOOD, CA—After months of exhaustive research, a multicultural agency reported Wednesday that they were utterly baffled by the White demographic. “Despite countless hours conducting surveys and performing in-field analysis, all we’ve learned is that Whites are out of their goddamn minds,” said Lead Strategist Jerome Miller, adding that he was completely mystified by White behaviors.

“Vegans. Furries. Scientologists. We’ve worked with some bizarre subcultures, but nothing compares to Whites,” continued Miller. “From obsessing over pumpkin spice to dressing up their pets, each White custom is stranger than the last.”

“They’re weird”, he added. “Very, very weird.”

Understanding White people, or simply “People” as they refer to themselves, was seen by Miller as the gateway to landing clients within the lucrative mayonnaise and sweater vest categories. But after discovering the segment’s array of perplexing habits, like defending even the worst Wes Anderson films, his team has re-evaluated their odds of success. “We thought our learnings would help us win New Balance. At this point, we’d be lucky if Crocs gave us an RFP.”

Miller went on to explain that as confounding as White behaviors are, even more confounding is how often those behaviors seem to contradict one another. “Just when we think we’ve got them figured out, they completely flip the script”, said a visibly frustrated Miller. “How do you market to someone who paints their face for the World Cup, but can’t name their city’s soccer team, or buys a hypoallergenic pillow to go camping in the woods? These are the codes we have to crack.”

At press time, Miller was wearing a North Face fleece while doing the funky chicken to a Dave Matthews album, in a last ditch attempt to decipher White motivations.

Love Your Script! But Can We Change One Little Everything?

THE CLIENT'S OFFICE—

Oh my gosh, so I finished reading your script and I absolutely loved it! But—and this is a very small “but”—I just want to change one little everything.

Here’s a list of my comments. I know it seems like a lot, but if you read through all 17 pages, you’ll realize there really aren’t that many changes.

I honestly think we have award-winning stuff here. It’s just that teensy bit between the first frame and the end card that we need to cut. No seriously, aside from the entire concept, this script is gold. And yeah, the copy and art direction definitely have to go. But besides that, this might be your best work yet!

If you’re confused, here’s an example of what I’m looking for. It’s just a little something I threw together that’s already been storyboarded, submitted for a production estimate, and that we finished casting for yesterday.

I mean, don’t use exactly what I wrote. Haha, of course not. I’m not a writer. You’re the creative genius! I just want something like this meticulously outlined, leather-bound script that’s been approved by our CEO and is scheduled to shoot next week.

Do you need some inspiration? No problem. Just go to this address that our location scout secured and get those creative juices flowing!

Anyway, it’s ok if you don’t make it to the shoot. I just booked an agency review, so we’ll catch up then!

BREAKING: Grown-Ass Man Riding Razor Scooter Around Office

PORTLAND, OR—Seemingly comfortable using a child’s transportation device in a professional setting, sources confirmed today that a grown-ass man is riding a razor scooter around the office. The alleged adult, who by all accounts seems to possess the physical stature, facial features, and mental capacities of a fully developed male, apparently has no problem being seen on a plaything designed for ages 8-12. According to witnesses, the middle-aged employee relies on this toy to get around his modestly sized agency, never traversing more than 15 feet at a time, invariably prompting the need to slow down just as he begins to accelerate. Reportedly, this mild increase in speed only saves him a few minutes per day, but is still fast enough to startle co-workers carrying hot coffee, expensive laptops, and important documents. At press time, this biologically mature human, who might as well be squealing “wheeee” as he propels his juvenile vehicle, is leading a meeting of his peers.

Poll: 9 In 10 Creatives Aspire To Be A Miserable, Alcoholic Fictional Character

NEW YORK, NY—Indicating a dramatic shift in career priorities, a report completed this week found that 9 in 10 Creatives aspire to be a miserable, alcoholic fictional character. The initial findings, which researchers gathered from thousands of telephone and in-person interviews, confirmed that the industry’s most revered Creative Director is an imaginary drunkard incapable of sustained happiness.

“When asked which CD they most wished to emulate, only 10% of respondents named flesh and blood mentors,” said lead researcher Melissa Watkins, noting that the remaining 90% referenced a bourbon-guzzling depressive whose existence starts and ends with a Time Warner Cable subscription. “While difficult to believe, our data shows that creatives young and old see this fictitious, wretched lush as the embodiment of their professional ambitions.”

Watkins went on to say that interview subjects commonly referred to this booze-fueled twice divorcee as “the guy who has it all”, and that “brilliant” was the word most often used to describe his creative achievements, all of which were conjured by a team of AMC screenwriters.

Contemplative CD Rubs Chin Straight Down To The Bone

CHICAGO, IL—In a desperate attempt to buy more time and construct some semblance of lucid feedback, Leo Burnett CD Dante Ferrara contemplatively rubbed his chin straight down to the bone, sources confirmed Tuesday. “After we showed him our work, he just sat there for hours stroking his beard,” said Junior Copywriter Kevin O’Malley, adding that he’d watched in horror as Ferrara’s thumb and index finger progressively scraped through hair, skin and a full centimeter of flesh.

“Technically, he did say something,” noted Junior Art Director Kelly Chang, citing that at one point Ferrara lurched forward, seeming ready to contribute some form of valuable critique, but merely whimpered “Hmmmmm, interesting”, as he yet again sifted through the blood-saturated printouts. Ferrara himself, despite blinding pain and traumatic mutilation, remained confident that he could caress his exposed mandible long enough to articulate a constructive response. “I’ve still got some time before I hit any marrow,” he groaned through his now deformed jaw. At press time, a hallucinatory Ferrara was being rushed away in an ambulance while advising an EMT to “push the concept further.”

Strategic Planner Says "Synergagement" During Meeting, Hopes It's A Real Thing

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Saying he may have really done it this time, Strategic Planner Raphael Owens told reporters that just moments ago he’d blurted out the term “synergagement” in a client presentation and now genuinely hopes its a real thing. “I can’t believe I did it again,” said a visibly anxious Owens, noting this isn’t the first time he’s spouted gibberish veiled as real industry jargon.

Owens’ co-workers also confirmed his tendency to improvise marketing gobbledygook, citing brainstorms in which he’s championed ‘rawthenticity’ and creative briefings where he’s suggested a ‘blissruptive’ tone. “Maybe it’ll be OK,” Owens reassured himself. “No one blinked an eye when I referenced ‘Sinfluencers’ the other week. And I actually got a raise that time I brought up ‘shoptimization’.” At press time, “synergagement” was reportedly being added to the brand’s mission statement.

Copywriter Arrives At Work 7,000 Hours Late

SEATTLE, WA—Arguing that his position grants him certain flexibilities, Copywriter Jesse Timmons told reporters Thursday that he was outraged to find his employment terminated after arriving a mere 7,000 hours late. “What is this, junior high? exclaimed Timmons. “You want my mommy to sign a tardy slip?”

Timmons, whose first day was scheduled to begin nearly 10 months ago, added that he never would have taken the job had he known the agency conformed to such a rigid, archaic schedule. “I really don’t see what the problem is,” he continued. “Will someone tell these guys I’m a Creative?!”

Human Resources reportedly tried in vain to quell Timmons, explaining that the projects he had been hired for had already been briefed upon, produced, and launched during his absence. “Some of them even won awards,” noted HR Representative Sally Mckenzie. “The guy who replaced him already got promoted.”

At press time, a defiant Timmons was attempting to catch up on 7,000 hours of time sheets, logging them all under a job titled “thinking”.

Agency Wins Gold Lion, Pawns It To Offset Client’s Quarterly Loss

CANNES--Still beaming from their recent win, the creative team of Draft FCB reportedly entered a local Cannes pawn shop and traded in their Gold Lion in an attempt to offset their client’s $350 million quarterly loss. Sources confirmed that the agency’s Creative Director, Bruce Lionel, haggled with the shopkeeper for almost 15 minutes before settling on an appraisal of $200, approximately 0.003% of the campaign’s budget.

“This dispels the long-held myth that agency awards and client profits are at odds with each other”, said Bruce Lionel, the campaign’s Creative Director. “This is great for our books and great for theirs.”  

The winning spot, directed by Terrence Malick, was comprised solely of magic-hour landscape shots and a voiceover reading Marcus Aurelius quotes. It generated virtually unanimous praise at Cannes. It generated virtually zero sales anywhere else.

Some sources attribute this disparity to the campaign’s $200,000,000 media plan, which targeted a demographic of 7 individuals, all of whom were on the Cannes judging panel.

“We focused on frequency instead of reach”, noted Lionel.  “It really paid off.”

The content itself, which lacked any reference to the product, the brand, or even the relevant industry, may also have played a role. Indeed, most Cannes attendees did not recognize the piece as an advertisement at all.

“Wait…that was a commercial?”, asked one visibly confused guest. “Well, it was really cool. Made me feel things.”

Lionel, wearing a rented tuxedo billed to the campaign’s job number, expounded on his commitment to the client’s bottom line: “this is a testament to the synergy between commerce and art. They say awards do nothing for brands, but does this look like nothing?”

With that statement, Lionel flung all two dollar bills into the air, in a gesture of celebration.

TBWA Promotes Lee Clow To “Celestial Creative Officer"

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining that the Global Creative Officer’s ambitions had now reached their earthly limitations, TBWA President Tom Carroll announced Monday that Lee Clow will be promoted to the status of Celestial Creative Officer.

“We’ve been privileged to have Lee lead our global family for these past 6 years, but he’s now accomplished all he can in the physical realm,” said Carroll. “That’s why, as of June 1st, Lee will begin the process of shedding his bodily prison and evaporating into an aura of pure creative energy. Once the transition is complete, He will oversee all of TBWA’s creative works, both in this world and the next.”

Carroll went on to say that with His new capacity for interstellar travel, Lee will be in the perfect position to establish satellite offices in unexplored galaxies and win accounts that lay beyond the boundaries of our universe. “This is also a great chance for TBWA to collaborate with otherworldly media artists who can transcend space and time.”

Carroll also wanted to reassure the public that in spite of Clow’s promotion, the newly minted demi-god would still be involved in earthly affairs. “Technically, Lee’s spirit will be all around us, all the time, and there will even be specific events to let you know He’s watching over you. For example, every time you crack a brief, that means Lee’s in the room with you. Or whenever you nail a presentation, that means Lee’s by your side. Also, anytime you see a shooting star or a ray of sun breaks through the clouds, those are both Lee.”

Per His contract, Clow will still assume human form to attend quarterly board meetings and provide updates regarding potential clients found in the heavenly abyss. But once finished reporting to His mortal staff, Clow will promptly resume an ethereal state and continue representing TBWA amongst the cosmos.

Clow himself, whose current responsibilities include posing for AdWeek articles, accepting lifetime achievement awards, and riding a solid gold surfboard made of recycled Cannes Lions, was excited to make the transition from figurative, to literal, deity.

“I’m honored and humbled by this opportunity to disrupt other dimensions,” said Clow. “Best of all, I’ll be continuing my voyage as a Chiat/Day Pirate—this time, by pulling anchor and setting sail into the final unknown.”

At press time, Clow let slip that he was also receiving a generous stock options package.

How to Build an Eye-Catching Account Management Portfolio

• Include a wide variety of conference reports. Too many AE's limit themselves in this part of their portfolio. Instead, display your ability to take notes in all situations. Include reports from internal reviews, client presentations, even brainstorms. Heck, throw in a status meeting! Show your versatility. Potential employers should know you can type bullet points:

  • anytime

  • anywhere

• Get creative with creative briefs. Not every brief needs to be left-aligned and written in Cambria. This is a chance to let your personality shine! Push the envelope and write a brief in Helvetica. Play with the margins. Get liberal with exclamation points and bolded words. Once, I even met an AE who wrote her briefs in Navy blue. Navy blue! You can bet she stood out from the rest of the pack.

• Flaunt your frugality on expense reports. Did you ever book an economy ticket instead of business class, or rent a compact car instead of a mid-size? How about food? Can you stay under half your per diem? Pinching pennies on the company dime is a valuable skill set. Make sure to highlight trips to terrible cities with a low cost of living like Dayton or Fresno.

• Save your most impressive email threads. Your future Account Director wants someone who can placate clients with an endless slew of euphemisms and doublespeak. So dig into that inbox and find your best stuff. Show them how skillfully you wield phrases like “just to clarify” and “our only concern”. And definitely point out client conversations that took place late at night. It’s proof you can answer the most asinine questions at the most ungodly hours.

• Include all relevant babysitting experience. Have you ever been paid to look after a temperamental, helpless human being whose only redeeming quality is an overactive imagination? Did you attend to their every physical and emotional need? Did you get them food and escort them to every appointment? Did you tell them their art is better than it is, then post it where everyone could see it? Great, because you’ll be working with creatives.